COLUMBIA, MO — Organizers for Sundance announced Thursday that they had unveiled a new "wooden trough" design for production assistants to eat from. “Instead of wasting valuable time making them scrounge for half-eaten granola bars or cold pizza crusts in the green rooms,” said festival logistics coordinator Luis Strickland, who noted that the unvarnished pine receptacle could comfortably accommodate up to 50 young adults shoulder-to-shoulder, “we can just pour a hearty, lukewarm slurry of oats, leftover passed hors d’oeuvres, and tap water directly into the basin.” “It’s completely revolutionized our turnarounds, because once the dinner bell rings, they just bury their faces in the feed, slurp up their daily caloric requirement in under three minutes, and immediately sprint back out into the freezing snow to guard the VIP bathrooms.” At press time, Strickland added that any production assistant who "bit, nipped, or chewed on" a superior while feeding would be quickly and humanely euthanized behind the venue.

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