NORTH HOLLYWOOD, CA — Three crew members were hospitalized Thursday after the craft services tent completely ran out of cold brew. “We started noticing the sluggishness right after lunch when a camera assistant just lay down on the dolly tracks and refused to blink,” said key grip Luis Villanueva, 34, who noted that paramedics had to be called when the art director’s resting heart rate plummeted to 12 beats per minute. “By the time someone yelled that the tap was sputtering air, we had two production assistants convulsing near the video village, screaming about how hot drip coffee is a peasant’s liquid. We tried to hook the gaffer up to an IV of lukewarm Diet Coke, but his body simply rejected the inferior substitute.” At press time, Villanueva added that the director had ordered the remaining crew to step over the comatose bodies and keep rolling until the iced matcha supply was similarly exhausted.

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